Latter Day Saint Woman

I was born and raised in a prominent Mormon family. All my life I have felt broken—not normal. I was sexually abused for most of my childhood and this abuse has left me with many emotional scars. Until my mid-twenties my life was one of confusion and fog. I knew I was not a willing participant in the abuse and yet I felt so much guilt and shame for what had happened to me. When I turned twenty, I got involved with the wrong crowd and started drinking. I committed sexual sins with someone I was dating, got pregnant and we married. My own sinfulness verified to me that I truly was filthy and unworthy. My struggles to earn forgiveness included many years of prayers and working through the steps of repentance. I felt so burdened down with guilt and shame. I couldn’t understand how I had committed these sins when everyone else I knew was so worthy. I became consumed with guilt and I needed forgiveness. The strongest desire of my heart was to be washed clean of my filthiness.

I once fasted for almost a week as I fervently poured over the pages of “The Miracle of Forgiveness“. Even though I read and re-read this book often, I only felt worse. I was plagued by President Kimball’s words on page 325 – “Your Heavenly Father has promised forgiveness upon total repentance and meeting all the requirements, but that forgiveness is not granted merely for the asking. There must be works – many works – and an all-out, total surrender, with a great humility and a ‘broken heart and a contrite spirit.’ It depends upon you whether or not you are forgiven, and when. It could be weeks, it could be years, it could be centuries before that happy day when you have the positive assurance that the Lord has forgiven you. That depends on your humility, your sincerity, your works, your attitudes.”

Finally, burdened with years of shame and guilt, I turned to my Bishop for help. Although I had confessed my sins to a previous bishop, I again confessed and then asked if I could be re-baptized. The sexual abuse had begun a few years before I was baptized and it continued for so many years afterward. I felt that if I could just be baptized again, I could have my sins washed away and I would be clean!

All my life my father had been a leader in the Church (he did not abuse me). He had taught me that Bishops have been given a special gift from God and could read a person’s heart. A week after confessing my sins, my Bishop told me that Heavenly Father had revealed to him that I was not really sincere in my search for forgiveness, and that I could not be re-baptized. I could not believe what I heard. I went home and then I realized: “I Could Not Believe What I Heard”! I knew that I was sincere. Being forgiven was the most important thing in my life! I realized that my bishop was a fake–he couldn’t read my heart! I realized that everything I had been taught all my life was false. My Mormon world came crashing down around me like a house of cards. All my life I had been living a lie. I could no longer live that lie, I had seen the truth, I had been set free! I asked to be excommunicated. I was so bitter and angry towards the Mormon Church that I moved three thousand miles to get away from Mormons and my family.

It was years before I learned the biblical truth of forgiveness. I thought I had been shown the truth and set free but it didn’t feel that way. I still lived in anguish under the burden of guilt and shame. I was no closer to forgiveness than when I was a Mormon. Today I realize that while I was set free of the Mormon Church, I was still a slave to my sins. I also realize that what I had thought was truth was just the knowledge that the Mormon Church was false; I was still ignorant of the truth. I didn’t know that my sins had already been forgiven.

Nine years later God sent into my life a six-year-old Christian neighbor who led me to His Word by persistently inviting me to her church. The father of that girl took me to hear a born-again biker give a talk about forgiveness. The Speaker asked those in the audience a question. He said: “Do you feel forgiven? ” In my heart of hearts, I knew I had not been forgiven. I didn’t feel I had done enough to pay for my life of sinfulness. This man interrupted my thoughts and said “You have been forgiven! It doesn’t matter whether you feel forgiven or not. God has promised you in the Bible that you are forgiven and He doesn’t lie!!! ”

I had never heard that message before. I so wanted to believe him, but I doubted his words. I went home and I turned to my old LDS KJV Bible and did my first real Bible study. I discovered that he told me the truth. In the Bible I read about God’s true Miracle of Forgiveness that comes through faith in Jesus’ blood! When I read the ultimate truth about forgiveness in God’s Word, I trusted in what Jesus did on my behalf. I now was free! This was Christ’s priceless gift to me. His miraculous power came over me and the burdens of shame and guilt that I had carried with me all my life were gone in an instant! This God was the only true God. I learned about Him in the Bible and He was in my heart, never to leave me and always to comfort me. I didn’t do anything to earn His forgiveness or His love; it was a complete gift; one that I didn’t deserve!

That was years ago and my life has completely changed. I now have the priceless treasure that I spent my whole life searching for—I have been washed clean through Christ’s blood! And, with this gift came the peace of God that transcends all understanding. God’s love and peace have melted my anger towards my abusers and the Mormon Church. I am so grateful to Jesus for His gift that I have given my life to Him. Out of love for God I follow His commands, but I know that the power to do anything good, all my works, comes from Jesus flowing through me. My purpose in life is to praise and glorify my Jesus! My favorite way to do that is by sharing His message of complete forgiveness with you! Heavenly Father has promised that all your sins are forgiven—and He doesn’t lie!! This is truth–it doesn’t matter how you feel! Please, don’t reject what Jesus did for you.